I didn't go to church today...
I woke up surprisingly unbelievably tired.
I feel vulnerable and exposed...
But I pray for the best.
I'm roused to write...

Today was interesting enough... I'm glad Andy called me out. Wouldn't want to spend the day at home again. Met him at orchard and had lunch at Burger King. We talked about a few things... The mission trip, the discipleship group, the GG meeting and other assorted topics. He's nice to talk to. Although I'm not super close to him, I find that I can trust him and be honest with him. Guess thats a sign of a good listener.

Anyway, after lunch we went to borders to browse while waiting for Wei Wen to pick us up. We went to the army market at beach road to look for backpacks... Found this shop that was given a really good price. But the downside was that we had to sit through a lecture/demonstration of the pros & cons each brand and type of bag. Wahahaha...

After the backpack shopping, I headed down to orchard (via super crowded MRT) to meet up with Joe, Gerald and Stefanie. We were supposed to meet to see this acoustic set at Library@Orchard. They weren't at all appealing but I liked the male vocals although it sounded a little forced. The band sounded a little nervous at first and they did come together after a few songs but they still lacked the energy and drive. Honestly, they looked bored and as if they didn't want to be there.

We left at 8 to have dinner before our movie at 8:45pm. We watched the day after tomorrow. Apocalyptic movie. Interesting effects but you could tell that the ideas were taken from movies like independence day, deep impact, vertical limit... But in the end, it was a good story... Had a cramp in my groin halfway through the movie though. Crushed my cup as a result. Luckily it was empty. :P

Gotta go sleep now. Badminton tomorrow and then going back to beach road to buy my bag with Gloria & Florence...

Amazing how one's actions can be affected by a single girl. I didn't actually do anything wrong but I could feel myself checking every action before I did it. For what? To give a good impression? I was playing soccer with her boyfriend for goodness' sake... I'm disgusted at myself.

The male human's mind is wonderfully complex in its simplicity. The basic instincts of human is to feed. When thats done, guess whats next on the male human's mind? Wahaha... its sad but true. Although we try to deny it, its there. We can ignore it by thinking or focusing on something else... Of course, theres a matter of how much or how little you want it to affect you. But its there. Its built in.

It would seem that guys would always be guys... But then how do you explain love? Where a human male,(given that he's faithful), is willing to sacrifice others to be with one. I think that in itself is an act of love. Cos it goes against the human male's instinct to 'spread his seed'. Incidently, the female human's instinct after feeding and reproducing is to protect her offspring. Hence the desire of women to want security and prosperity from their partners. Interesting how these instincts have stayed with us all these time.

I'll wait for you forever...
But now I'm just blabbering... I always called it love. But do I know what love really is? Or am I just confusing it with lust and desire? Then there's the fine line between love and stupidity. When does it stop being romantic and start being annoying or just plain ridiculous?

::: Quote of the Day :::
You'd sell your soul for him?
|daryl|

You'd sell your soul for her?
|God|

Going to the gym soon... Lynette was supposed to come with me but she forgot about it. Oh well, I'll just have to bring my discman then. Was supposed to wash the car earlier this afternoon but it started raining. I think I'll wash it tomorrow. Was reading The Body Thief by Anne Rice this afternoon when it started raining. Then I fell asleep...

Andy messaged me on ICQ telling me that he has a blog... He says he wants to link me if I have one. Thats just precious!! My mentor having access to my blog and me having access to my mentor's blog. Haha!! I'll probably will give it to him. But not so soon...
I wonder how someone like Andy will blog like... Will he be totally open? Or will he only write positive things? Or so that he doesn't lie, only blog when he's not down anymore, after he has dealt with it? Cos as a leader, he has to be accountable to what he writes right?

Sometimes, daryl, you really think too much. Its just a blog.
Which brings me to the topic of the XS website... There's a reason why I didn't like my course in IT. Because I didn't like IT. But since I'm the only one who has experience in IT, I've been assigned to do the XS Website. I will do it, just that I won't enjoy it at all... I'm not a designer. I can appreciate good designs and identify what goes into them. But I can't make them.

Gloria just smsed to remind us of MegaPraise this saturday. This has been quite the talking point for the last few weeks and I've been thinking alot about it. Am I just restricting God? Am I telling God who He can and cannot use? He used me didn't He? Hasn't that been how He has used me? Imperfect me? Why not them if they're willing? Why can't people be moved and touched by the Spirit? Don't let talent or the lack of it restrict God. Cos what God needs is obedience. And if He's called them, you jolly well support them all you can.

Spending the entire day in front of the computer doesn't bother me. That scares me... When I actually sit back and think of what I've achieved for today, I realise that i've hardly gotten off the computer chair except for meals and to go to the toilet. Can't be good... Been neglecting God too much these days too...

Went to watch Shrek 2 with Elissa... Funny show but almost spoilt by the guys beside me. Kept passing remarks during the show. I think one of the guys was just learning to read cos he was repeating aloud every word which appeared in the movie. Anyway, I checked out some backpacks in this shop in tampines mall... Need a 60 litre backpack for my trip to ChiangMai. Probably head down to beach road this friday with Gloria to look for some nice and more affordable ones. Most of them fall in the price range of $200-$300. This reminds me. I've gotta start writing a prayer newsletter for the church to pray for me and my trip.

Today I reminisced again. But only for awhile. If there needs to be a reason. Let this be it. I'm not ready and I'm not sure and I'm just not willing. I will not be half-hearted about this.
If I could just forget... If I could just change my perspective... If I could just have eyes wide shut...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
If it will never be the same
If purpose buried everyday
If lies that lead you to the grave
If some will say,
it will never be okay (And some will say)
if purpose buried everyday (And some will say)
If lies that lead you to the grave (And some will say)
your revolution is a joke
As I will say
|funeral for a friend - your revolution is a joke|

I just woke up and I'm tired... My muscles are aching from too much gym in Johor Bahru. Haha... The hotel was quite nice. Us guys got bumped up to the deluxe room cos the Hyatt people didn't have any normal rooms left for us. So that was a plus point. Spent Friday evening at the gym with Pat and Gloria before going to this hawker centre where a lot of Singaporeans go to eat. We had a feast which included Stingray, Crayfish, Chicken, Sweet and Sour Pork, Kailan and Fried Toufu.

Bought some VCDs and headed back to the hotel. We went to visit the hotel's bar where they were supposed to have a 'live' band. I think what they meant by 'live' was that the performers were alive. Cos the band was just keyboards and a laptop. And I think most of the music was programmed in the laptop. The singers were quite good but it was just lame because we expected a band..
So we left to got back to our room to watch the VCDs. I think I fell asleep during the 2nd half of Van Helsing... Cos I watched it before. Was awakened early in the morning by Dennis who was snoring in my ear!! So I decided to sleep on the floor. Went to the gym with Dennis and Pat again that morning. I think I ran close to 6km altogether. Did assorted weight lifting too... Its more fun to work out with friends...

Went to Holiday Inn Plaza for lunch and shopping after that... Had a craving for pizza so we went to Pizza Hut. Again we ate to our hearts content... Went to shop around. Ended up buying a few games and a pair of socks... Wanted to buy some clothes but everything there was either 'skate' or 'fake'.

Came back quite early on Sunday morning cos I had to play for service. Shared a 50 ringgit cab with Gloria back to Singapore. Had a MacDonalds breakfast before taking a train Eunos. Worship was quite good. Saw people kneeling and tearing. Its nice to know that you're being used by God to minister through music. Kim Leng's comment was that we were finally sounding like a band which is supposed to be a compliment I think. Heheh...

Had to leave for the mission trip briefing before service ended. My parents fetched Gloria and I to Paya Lebar Methodist. My general impression of the people organising the camp is that they know what they're doing. Found out more of what I'll be doing over in Chiang Mai... PERFORMING ARTS!!! Enjoyed the dancing. Really fun! Wished I'd joined 2 or 3 years before... I think I'm the oldest guy there. :P Nevermind...

Hmm... Lets see. Watched Troy yesterday. Quite a good show featuring lots of beautiful men... Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Eric Bana... As usual, they made Brad Pitt out to be the super cool one. Just too fantastic.

Blogs are funny things... They can really get you in trouble. I'm not just referring to myself here... Many people I know have stopped blogging because of this. But then again isn't it where you can journal thoughts and feelings freely? Once again, I can't help but think back on all my posts... Have I been judgemental in my posts? Have I offended anyone without knowing? Would I change the way I write even though I knew certain people were reading? I might have already done so... even though I claim that I try not to. So you try to strike a balance of how much to reveal and how much to hide. But for me, I'm tired of hiding... I grew tired of living 2 lives about three years ago... So I decided to get rid of the one that I had to hide. There are things that are better left unsaid though for the sake of others. Just another thought... If Christians can't be honest and speak in love to one another, who can?

I always feel that people are free to write and think what they want. Cos in the end, the truth will reveal itself. So it doesn't matter what people think. You do what is right, live right and bad first impressions will fly out the window. But here's a hint? If a few people are saying the same thing about you, you might consider reflecting before you question why they said it... Same thing goes for the way they said it. I consider it a blessing to have feedback, whatever kinds, cos they help you gauge yourself.

Went to get my jabs yesterday... For the whole of yesterday, my arm was feeling super numb. Even dropped the newspaper I was holding without realising it. :P The worst thing is that the 2 jabs cost 90 bucks... God, thank You for supplying all my needs...

Getting prepared for the Mission trip to Chiang Mai... Gonna make payments tomorrow and then head down to Tan Tock Seng hospital with Gloria to get Hepatitis and Malaria jabs.

Watched Singapore S-league All-Stars play Selangor MPPJ FC on sunday. Went with Gerald, Jeremy & Thomson. Enjoyed it but was left really tired after the match. Think it was because of the worship practice before that. Saw Sheik Heikel and Annabelle Francis too... Heikel was hilarious. He kept urging the players to 'kick the face!!!'

Dear God... I want you to provide. I want to start of this journey on a positive note. One that can assure me that you WILL take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't think its pride, Lord. Just like brother Andrew, there is the 'royal way' and I want to use it... And as always, for my good and Your glory... Amen

Something to look forward to... I'm considering signing up as crew just to help out... although I'd prefer to sign up with friends.

Went for the SCGS choir concert post production party. Was quite fun to joke around with Jon and Joel. I was observing the way some girls behave and I realise that most of them don't change much as I thought when they get out of secondary school and head into JC. They still talk the same way and act the same way. Why do I feel that there's such a big change when they hit 17 or 18 years old? They behave the same way, but there is a change in mentality maybe? A reaction to realisation of the world?

Thoughts. What I would give to know them. And yet knowing would most certainly hurt.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
There's a silent urge to leave this cloud when all I want is to hear the sound,
Of your voice devoid of the constant noise, the only sound to fill this void.

And do you want this. And do you still need this.

Like modern morbid prophecies fulfilled.
Like biting on these bitter tasting pills.
And we're just heroes, And we're just heroes.

They all won't love me, she won't let me forget.
Don't make me choose, I'll choose you and this will all be over.
|dead poetic - modern morbid prophecies|

Bible study with Gerald tomorrow. Just something I threw together from the material that Andy passed me...

Importance of Words

Matthew 12:37
33"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. 34You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. 35The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. 36But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. 37For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."[NIV]

>> What we say makes or breaks us, heals us or makes us sick.
>> Words can destroy us or make us full of life, happiness and health
Example: (John 10:10)
10The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). [AMP]

Mark 11:23
23For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, "Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. 24Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. [NKJV]

>> Words are important, even when we receive salvation
>> Whoever - Anyone who asks. Its our choice
>> Whatever - Anything is possible

Example: (Mark 9:23)
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

>> It seems that God is waiting for our faith!

Romans 10:9-10
9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Hebrews 11:6
6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Romans 10:17
17Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.

>> The words you say identify you
>> The words you speak set the boundaries of your life.
>> The words you speak affect your Spirit (your inward man).

So what are some examples of things we just need to believe we have and speak them out
>> Fear, worry
>> Inability to forgive, love etc
>> Pessimism
>> Our health, our emotions etc

Application: Be sure of the promises of God before you can have faith in it. It is impossible to believe in things you aren’t sure about. We are what God says we are, we can do what God says we can do and we have what God says we have.

Blogger has gotten a new look. How interesting... Looks brighter now.
Spent the last 2 days & nights at Song's Chalet... Kinda boring because there was very few people who went. But at least we had time to bond. Most of the time was spent lazing around, eating, drinking, watching TV listening to music, playing with the karaoke mike and sleeping.

Spent the whole of today at Paya Lebar Methodist Church. I'm attending the Purpose Driven Youth Ministry Seminar there... It started at 8:30am and ended at 5:45pm. Super long day! And tomorrow I have to go through it all again.

Was talking to God when I was walking home from the busstop just now. Was telling Him that I wanted to be used by Him. A vessel shaped by Him to be used by Him more effectively. I told Him I didn't want to be held back. I didn't want to be in sin or held back by it. I don't want to be distracted by these yearnings of the flesh or the mind. And I thanked Him that I didn't have to... I thanked Him that I can become someone strong and stable in Him. I thanked Him for providing for me. Thanked Him because He would be faithful to me both now and in the future.

Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.

...if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.
The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
| Isaiah 58:8, 10, 11 |

There you have it... God's called me to go Chiang Mai. No running from it. I wasn't the most enthusiastic about it. I think my sister was more excited about my decision than me. She was jumping around the choir room. Its funny how God needs to tell you something urgently... Just right in your face. Which isn't something to be proud of... In fact, I'm quite ashamed that it happened like this. I haven't been reading the bible much these few days.

Played drums for the last part of service today because Gerald had to leave at that time. Managed to play properly I think... Was a bit uncomfortable with Reverend George Ong shouting through the drum monitors. The volume was already turned up quite loud!!! Had to play with my head turned to one side... :P
Decided to pop down for practice after lunch. Band 2 needed a bassist but I can't play bass so I was supposed to play drums while Jeremy Wee played the bass... But in the end I decided that I would play guitar, Thomson would play the bass and Jeremy would stick with the drums. Seemed to be the best combination. Practice was quite lively and enjoyable. :D

Slacked around the musicians area for quite awhile before heading down to Blooie's with Jeremy Gan. Had wonderful 13 dollar burgers and a glass of beer. Then headed down to The Cheesecake Cafe to visit Rachelle. She was acting...... odd. Haha! Slakced there with Xiong and Dennis till 9:30pm.

In closing...
Sometimes you wish and you plead with chance to make things happen... But chance plays no part in the path God planned for you... And He reminds you that you are blameless in His sight. He chooses not to look at them and not to harp on them. But there will always be consequences and repercussions. You have to accept them for the mistakes you've made.

The exam results are out... I passed everything. Thank God...

****************************************
EXAM RESULTS FOR 0003152F
CMSK4: B
ENMM: C
BBMMP (Major Project) : C
MBDP (Mobile Programming) : B
RESULT: P
****************************************

You've run so long and so hard. You gave it all you had at the last lap. And at what you think is the end of the race, you see people getting warmed up for the next event... Nothing has changed. You've not gotten out of the water, you've just barely stayed afloat. Whats the point of studying? Getting a diploma? Getting a job? Working for the next two thirds of your life? Its basically keeping yourself occupied while waiting for death isn't it?

But thats not what you feel when you're having fun? Its only when you're lonely and bored that you start to think of all these things? So whats the remedy? Occupy yourself so that you have no time to think. Busy yourself each hour of the day so that when you finish one task the other starts. Even better if you can have the new task come before you finish the one you're currently doing. This way you can be sure that there are no thoughts that can sneak through. Make sure you exhaust yourself during the course of the day too... So that you're out once your head hits the pillow...

But sooner or later... You've got to realise that you can't keep doing that. You can't keep ignoring the inevitable... Cos whether you choose to or not, questions will come. For me I think I know whats the matter... Life has its highs and lows... When its low, I try to spend more time with God. Then when its high, everything's great and you sort of neglect reading the Word. I lose 'momentum'. Not that I don't talk to God or I ignore Him completely. Just that my 'feeding' ceases. And then I run out of fuel...

I'm so afraid of change... So afraid of mistakes. But I know who's carrying me through. Cos I've gone through change before. Its not so bad... Because there's a hope that drives me forward. This fear is like a handbrake thats not released. You are going somewhere. but not as fast or as efficiently as you could.

Brand New Band!!!


This week hasn't been as boring as I expected but I could be doing more. Went to watch Van Helsing on Monday with Dale, Yvette and Gerald. Dale & Yvette won a pair of tickets each (They're so lucky) to the Gala premiere of the movie. Dale asked me if I wanted the ticket and asked if I had anyone to call along... Called Gerald since he doesn't have to stay in camp. The movie was good... 2 hours of non-stop, jam-packed action. Its been very long since any movie had me this close to the edge of my seat. Walked out of the theatre with a buzz in my head cos I had watched Vanilla Sky the night before and Resident Evil again that very afternoon.

Had lunch with Matt on Monday & Tuesday. Discussed about music and new songs for the band. Made me want to go jamming again. Watched Win a Date with Tad Hamilton with Elissa after lunch... Not a bad show. But unrealistic like every other romantic comedy. After that went down to TP to play soccer with some school friends. That was really fun.

My poem got selected for the semifinals of the Poetry.com contest. I get US$1000 if I win. And they want to publish my poem in a book called Eternal Portraits. Its a coffee table sort of book. I don't get anything for that publication though. Have to buy it. I hope I win...

Is it so hard to see? Is it so hard to admit that you're wrong?

But she started it!
And you continue it... You should know better right? Why not be mature and take the first step to trying to make things better... Or would you rather ignore things and let them get worse. Seems easier to ignore wouldn't it? But in life, there are some people you can't get rid off. Stanley's teaching comes to mind. Submit to authority. Whether the authority is qualified or not. As long as you know that it isn't against the word of God. Submit!

Yes, easy for you to say... You've never gone through it. You won't understand.
You may be right... I probably don't. Carry on living the way you want... Don't listen to me. What could I, daryl, possibly know? What could I have gone through that could give me the slightest idea?

Do you think I have never gone through circumstances that have required me to bite my lip and whisper a prayer in my heart not to hate anyone? Do you think I've never had to exercise patience and carry on socialising with a brother or sister in Christ? Or maybe I have it easy because I'm the youngest or because I'm born in a Christian family. Do you think its easier? No! I have to go through it the same! I have to learn not to talk back or roll my eyes. I have to learn to forgive, give in and give away. I'm not saying I've mastered it. I'm saying I'm learning just like anyone else. If you do not want to hear me out then its not my problem already.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"You will never understand..."